collapse

Author Topic: Tales of the Dark War Saga: Guardian of the Light  (Read 1399 times)

Description:

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Not Yet Rated!

LittleWolf

  • Guest
Tales of the Dark War Saga: Guardian of the Light
« on: April 29, 2010, 01:02:39 PM »
The rain and wind whipped the hooded figures who stood beside their horses in the clearing of the forest. The darkened grey skies held no hope of seeing the light of day and the thick billowing mist didn't do much for visibility either. Kayla tightened her hood against the cold, snorting at the mercenaries who accompanied her. The expression was muffled and lost to the gust of wind that blew back her hood, revealing the strikingly beautiful firey red hair. Her eyes which was of the palest blue narrowed in annoyance as she cursed lightly,
"Darkness,"

Her discontent of the mercenaries who accompanied her was because these were hired men, called forth to do her bidding or to her assistance only where gold followed. And that was the cold truth in life, to enlist help nowadays, gold was a language well understood. Despite that, Kayla did not wish for any of these men to come to a grievous end while under her watch. She may despise them, but not enough so to have them killed. She'd rather that this mission be finished as fast as possible and have these hired men return safely to their homes to spend their hard earned riches.
The mercenary designated as a scout, materialised out of the thick mist, horse in tow. A long bow appeared to be his only visible weapon. He came towards Kayla, tightening his own cloak about him as he said,
"A group of orcs up ahead, well organised by the looks of it,"

Kayla raised her eyebrows slightly at this news, orcs were never well organised, not unless someone were directing them, this in itself was bad news,
"Well organised?"

The scout too had a troubled look about what he reported back,
"Aye,"

"It must've been a rare sight for you then,"

"A most uncommon one, ma'am" admitted the scout, "they are waiting to ambush us about a half kilo-length up ahead."

Kayla sighed, "How many?"

"About a good score and a half,"

Nothing she couldn't handle on her own, but a score and a half under control of magic or possibly telepathy?
"Well, then. A well organised band of orcs means only one thing. Whoever is out there knows that we're here, they most probably don't want us to reach our destination."

"But for what reason? What are you to do in Shamata?"

"We are escorting someone," Her mission was on a need to know basis, the mercenaries weren't hired to know what was going on, only to do what they were told and get a fat sum in gold for their services. The scout shrugged indifferently,

"Whoever this someone is, must be really important."

Kayla's eyes flashed in annoyance, "And unless you want your gold, you'd stop asking stupid questions."

"Fine by me, the gold is good, so I'll say no more," a murmur of agreement came from the other men, "What should we do now ma'me?"

"We navigate around them, find me a way that has no orcs about. We do not need unnecessary battles this early in the morning."

The scout nodded, "Already done, the path goes off road a ways but I can get us back on the road after we've avoided them,"

Kayla nodded approval, "good work, lead the way,"  she turned to the rest of the others, "move out."

Everyone mounted their horses and followed the scout into the mist, wind and rain.

Not Yet Rated!

Offline Lord Palatine

  • Ye Olde Man
  • Guildmaster/Mistress
  • Grand Duke/Grand Duchess
  • *
  • Posts: 14652
  • Karma: 127
  • Gender: Male
  • Face for radio, voice for print!
  • Awards Has made 9,000+ posts Has made 8,000+ posts Has made 7,000+ posts Has made 6,000+ posts Has made 5,000+ posts Has made 4,000+ posts Has made 3,000+ posts Has made 2,000+ posts A Founding Member of the Guild A Board Game Master
    • Scribe of the Realm
    • Awards
Re: Tales of the Dark War Saga: Guardian of the Light
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2010, 07:06:11 AM »
If this is the piece you're showing as an example of perspective I don't see any real problem with the perspective, but there is some fluctuation in tense and a bit of passive voice creeping in.

Just a few examples:

  • The rain and wind whipped the hooded figures who stood beside their horses in the clearing of the forest.
  • The rain and wind whipped the hooded figures standing beside their horses in the forest clearing.
  • Her discontent of the mercenaries who accompanied her was because these were hired men, called forth to do her bidding or to her assistance only where gold followed.
  • Discontentedly, she studied the mercenaries accompanying her; hired men, serving for gold more than loyalty.

One of the harder things to do is write in a style that sounds old and formal and still keep the sentences flowing smoothly.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2010, 07:07:47 AM by Lord Palatine »

Not Yet Rated!

LittleWolf

  • Guest
Re: Tales of the Dark War Saga: Guardian of the Light
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2010, 12:26:54 PM »
Thanks LP, it wasn't the example on perspective I was going to show. I just thought I'd post up my second draft and see how far I got and if perspective somehow cropped up, someone could point it out to me.
Anyhow, I've lost the rest of my second draft on my laptop this weekend due to a virus :'( had to reinstall with windows 7 yesterday. I was considering a rewrite with a fresh restart, guess I have no choice in the matter now...  :(
And feedback like what you've given me above would be much appreciated in the future, thanks. I got this feeling that I'm going to be making a lot of mistakes as I'm writing this time to finish the story.

Not Yet Rated!

Offline Lord Palatine

  • Ye Olde Man
  • Guildmaster/Mistress
  • Grand Duke/Grand Duchess
  • *
  • Posts: 14652
  • Karma: 127
  • Gender: Male
  • Face for radio, voice for print!
  • Awards Has made 9,000+ posts Has made 8,000+ posts Has made 7,000+ posts Has made 6,000+ posts Has made 5,000+ posts Has made 4,000+ posts Has made 3,000+ posts Has made 2,000+ posts A Founding Member of the Guild A Board Game Master
    • Scribe of the Realm
    • Awards
Re: Tales of the Dark War Saga: Guardian of the Light
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2010, 07:09:59 PM »
Not a problem, I look forward to seeing more :P

 

Untitled Document

The Fantasy Artists, RolePlayers & Writers Guild, aka FARPWG the Guild is not affiliated with, endorsed, sponsored, or specifically approved by Wizards of the Coast LLC. FARPWG - The Guild may use the trademarks and other intellectual property of Wizards of the Coast LLC, which is permitted under Wizards' Fan Site Policy (Magic site) (D&D site). For example, MAGIC: THE GATHERING®, DUNGEONS & DRAGONS®, D&D®, PLAYER'S HANDBOOK 2®, and DUNGEON MASTER'S GUIDE® are trademark[s] of Wizards of the Coast and D&D® core rules, game mechanics, characters and their distinctive likenesses are the property of the Wizards of the Coast. For more information about Wizards of the Coast or any of Wizards' trademarks or other intellectual property, please visit their website at (www.wizards.com)

The Fantasy Artists, RolePlayers & Writers Guild, aka FARPWG the Guild is not affiliated with, endorsed, sponsored, or specifically approved by any company unless specified. In order to review products Guild Members may reference trademarks and other intellectual property of these companies without intent to violate trademarks or copyrights.

The Fantasy Artists, RolePlayers & Writers Guild, aka FARPWG the Guild provides forum boards, server space and bandwidth, without compensation, to support Idaho gaming and fandom.

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor. Article is provided "as is" without any warranties. Reader assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity article. No shoes, no shirt, no articles. quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets and small children. Limit one-per-family please. No money down. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Slippery when wet. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Offer valid only at participating sites. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. must be 18 to read. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). Other restrictions may apply. This supersedes all previous notices.

Opinions in articles, posts and podcasts do not necessarily represent the views of The Fantasy Artists, RolePlayers & Writers Guild, aka FARPWG the Guild.

FARPWG The Guild © 2004-2017 Tim Boothby - All Rights are retained by those posting art, lyrics, messages and articles.

* About Me!

 
 
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

* Who's Here?

  • Dot Guests: 38
  • Dot Hidden: 0
  • Dot Users: 0

There aren't any users online.

* Most Recent

Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[Today at 09:44:01 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Lord Palatine
[April 20, 2018, 10:54:30 PM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[April 20, 2018, 10:02:27 PM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Lord Palatine
[April 20, 2018, 09:38:36 PM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[April 18, 2018, 11:44:03 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Lord Palatine
[April 18, 2018, 03:14:18 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[April 18, 2018, 02:24:47 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Lord Palatine
[April 18, 2018, 01:27:45 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[April 14, 2018, 11:35:23 PM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Lord Palatine
[April 14, 2018, 11:22:50 PM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[April 13, 2018, 09:51:41 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Lord Palatine
[April 13, 2018, 01:34:49 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[April 12, 2018, 11:28:16 AM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Lord Palatine
[April 11, 2018, 11:40:28 PM]


Re: The Tamber Saga by Milady Kim
[April 11, 2018, 10:23:18 PM]

Affiliated Sites

Red Zone Fandom Red Zone Fan Photography Scribe of the Realm Science Fox Serious Lesbian

Red Zone Galleries

Boise Area Conventions

Us Being Social

Guild on Facebook Red Zone Facebook Red Zone Twitter Red Zone Youtube